Sometimes I feel you’re more tainted than I can bear
In drunken slurs you’ve cried apologies not meant for me
Because love has corroded me too, I can lend sympathy
But time has stitched me up and pushed me forward
And while I’m not the same, I don’t close my eyes thinking of another face and another name.
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of forgiving, though no one has apologized.
I forgave him because he was awake and aroused and I was neither.
I forgave her for telling me to lock away my feelings
I forgave him for not being there the one time I’ve asked for his help
I forgave him for laughing at me and putting me down
I’ve forgiven them because there is nothing else to do.
There will be no apologies.
I should be accustomed to that by now.
The silence is riling
The pain is numbing
The lonely is piercing.
She says I’ve been through worse
Assuming she’s knows my life when I’ve known her for such a small part of mine
She’s doesn’t know about the nights slept on concrete floors and waking up to police lights
But it isn’t a competition
It’s that I have a right to be mad
The right to know what I deserve
Even if others are going through worse
I am aware and I am grateful
But the mentality that I need to be silent and a martyr because my words are not convenient, because my life isn’t harder is equivalent to the opposite: don’t be grateful, someone is living larger.
My anger stirs up laughter
But my willingness to understand makes them say I don’t get angry enough, that I’ll get stepped on
I’m realizing there is no winning
Playing devil’s advocate is apparently more pleasing
It isn’t a job
It’s my whole way of living
And I’m tired of not calling the shots
But it’s security
This, always my tendency
It’s hard to pretend there wasn’t something wrong
When I couldn’t help but flinch when you hugged me
When we were awoken and hurried into a truck as children and the only explanation was “mommy can’t breathe”
It’s hard to pretend there wasn’t something different about you
When you got lost ten minutes away from our house in a city you’ve lived in most of your life
When you got so angry when we played with our toys and chased us around the house
When the police needed to escort us home because you were driving on the wrong side of the highway no matter how much I yelled at you to stop
It’s hard not to feel like I lost something
When there were so many things I couldn’t do because I had to be with you
When you told me, you couldn’t be alone and for some reason that burden only fell on my shoulders, yet you said you need to be more like your brother, but he always left you
It’s hard to understand you
When you say let’s not talk about it
My arms a cage
My hands a lock
I think I misunderstood what it meant to take care of you.
•C.D.L. (a series)•
Did I say I think of you once in a blue moon?
I meant full moon.
My feelings for you are a never ending cycle of waxing and waning.